It’s strange being able to look back at a situation so quickly after the moment has passed. I regret nothing, save that I let people down. The people I try to help live their lives selflessly. Serving as an inspiration on how to bring even the tiniest amount of positive energy or joy to this world, in a concerted effort to push back the darkness of reality.
I’m not perfect, far from it in fact, so to those who felt let down tonight seeing such uncharacteristically negative and hurtful comments about another person, I apologize.
The wake up was necessary. While I do believe the person involved deserves to be served with the harsh realities of life, I am not the person to do it. I actively keep a distance from those people, and for the most part my life remains relatively upbeat in kind.
Anyways, rabble rabble. I’m sorry. With every ounce of conviction I can muster, I apologize for letting YOU guys down.
I will be better.
I will be great.
So, I tend to have these random moments of absolute lucidity, whereas other times I can have rage fuelled episodes of absolute madness. Usually the latter is a result of some cheating jerk during online play for WWE 13. I nerd rage a lot. I admit it, and I am quite ok with it.
There’s “healthy” release such as nerd rage, and not such healthy release like blindly wishing ill will on someone you’ve never met in your life, that gets to read your drivel and then try to come to terms with how someone so far removed could wish such foul things upon a relative stranger.
I’ve never quite understood the need to berate someone that was wholly undeserving of verbal harassment or abuse. It seems like there’s enough forces in this world consistently trying to break us, or tear us down, that turning on each other seems woefully counter productive. If you take exception to someone’s behaviour, or perceived laziness, then there is an entirely different manner in which you can freely express those feelings. It’s called being an adult with critical thought process, and common social graces. If you choose to go the other direction, then I feel it only fair to warn you that I will in fact make you out to be the ignoramus people have previously only assumed you to be. We only get one shot at this thing, unless you believe in resurrection, in which case, we’re probably both coming back as armadillos, and I’m going to tip you over, and laugh hysterically.
Wait, can Armadillo’s laugh? I really feel like this is a question that carries enough merit to be answered. Because I’m going to be really pissed off if I can’t laugh at you being stuck on your back. As an Armadillo, that is.
I think I lost my keys again.
Awesome baseball BS aside, I tend to get these waves of thought that hit like a damn truck. Today was such a day. It dawned on me that I’m working my way up the ladder for a job that has no positive end, other than just “the end” itself. What way is that to go through life, actually? I get anxious. I get uncomfortable. I get complacent in where I’m at, and I require drastic change.
I’m mired in mediocrity while being design for greatness. None of us were ever meant to spend our lives in this manner. We’ve all been equipped to make a profound impact on this world, and to give up before ever really trying is one of the true faults of humanity. But with this fact being well known, and sufficiently documented, why do we continue to just accept whatever role we have been given? We choose our path, and the only time we notice distraction or experience failure, is when we take our eyes off of it. Sometime along my own path over the last twelve months, I have completely and unbelievably lost my way. This infuriates me, after spending so much time, effort, and money to put myself through post secondary education I had once again resigned myself to being stuck in the customer service industry. No. No more retail, no more just being “OK” , no more accepting anything less than the absolute best for myself.
I contacted a multitude of colleges today, to procure some course information packages in the field *I* want to throw myself and my future into. I know what I want, and I know how to get it. I fear for the people that have some masochistic desire to get in my way, this forward progress, this momentum, MY DRIVE will push me through anything, everything, everyone that interjects.
My high school guidance counsellor shops at my store, the same man that said to me at the age of 18 to “become involved in construction or some other form of manual labour to suit your particular skill set” and that “post secondary isn’t for everyone, some people just aren’t meant for higher learning”. Oh.
Every time I see that face of his, the snide remarks, insinuations. I can feel my blood pressure rise, my body temperature increases and I notice my knuckles turn white under the pressure of the fist I’m making. P.s. I graduated last year, just a hair below a 4.0 at the college level, while taking University level sociology and English courses. That being said, my index and ring finger want you to split the difference, jackwagon.
You can either be part of my journey, or a by product of it. But I refuse to settle. Not now, not ever. I am too fucking smart, and too god damn gifted to relegate myself to a life of being “OK”. Consider this your warning, consider this my breaking point. Consider this my two weeks notice to mediocrity, the mission continues.
Stay hungry, keep focus, Be Great.
I’ve felt rather unmotivated since my return home. The one downfall of being the very definition of an extrovert, is that I exhaust myself beyond any realistic point while out and around, that upon finally getting an opportunity to recharge I become the very definition of useless.
I started this account because I wanted somewhere I could get the hurricane thoughts from my psyche out and visible, to try and make some sense of it. I’m an idea guy, always have been, but sometimes ideas become overwhelming enough that action is never taken.
I wasn’t depressed last week, but the amount of energy I spent in Cincinnati left me with very little to rebound and get back into a groove of sorts. I had no ability to do anything but lay in bed, and sleep. When you get to the point of no return like I did, it’s tough to really keep that level of “positivity” operating at the level of which I’m normally able. It kills me to feel tired, useless, unmotivated and lazy. All I wanted was to feel like I couldn’t wait to get back to the gym. My grind. My meditation. My release.
I feel better today, a little more “me” if you will. It’s no accident that it happened one day after my first day back at Fitness Forum. Healthy body, healthy mind. I’ve been cutting for a few weeks, and I’ve gone from around 180 to 165. One thing I’ve noticed, I enjoy the lack of “ponch” with my stomach. But I dislike feeling this small. Going from a brick shithouse 195 18 months ago, to a 30 lb “loss” does nothing for me psychologically though I understand that I’m much healthier overall. So I figure I’ll bulk again starting sometime in September, and 2-3 more times before next spring. A healthy 185 would be most welcome. The “lean” look is cool and all, but forgive me if I seem less than enthusiastic after having been to the other side, and quite enjoying it.
Bah, rant off. Thought process is diverting from the original point. I worked out, I’m happier, the Reds and White Sox are having amazing seasons, and I really like dill pickle Spitz right now while I write.